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deathbat96777

My slow spiral into alcoholism

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I had my first drink a week after my twenty first birthday at Buffalo Wild Wings. I tried Heineken and I didn't care much for it. However, I went through a bought of depression over a girl not soon after and wound up drinking a 24 oz. can of Coors Light and a bottle of Dos Equis one night at a friend's house. After this, I developed a serious craving for alcohol since I enjoyed the two said beers I tried this time, and I low key started drinking two beers every weekend. That may not sound like a lot, but here recently, the issue has resurfaced and gotten worst. Yesterday, I caved into my severe temptation to drink and bought a 24 ounce can of Coors Light at a gas station. It wasn't enough, I wanted more. Today, I went to the same gas station and bought a six pack of Blue Moon Belgian White. I had the whole six pack consumed in two hours time. That doesn't sound like a lot, but take into consideration that I am on anxiety medicine, and drinking alcohol with it is a no no. It causes damage to your heart, liver, etc and makes you drunk quicker. If you have said meds in your system, drinking two beers feels like five, and I just had six (the last two of which I practically chugged). With that in mind, I would really appreciate it if you guys would keep you in your prayers. The so called "alcoholic gene" runs in my family. my dad's side of the family has a long history of alcoholism. My dad's brothers are all alcoholics, my sister is an alcoholic, etc. I'm scared that the curse will soon find me, and it worries me. I am supposed to be a pastor for the first time sunday and I am a so called "God fearing man". I've had several dreams since I tried my first beer, dreams where I get black out drunk and get addicted to the hard stuff, and I'm scared that they are premonitions that will soon come true. I fear for my future and I fear that I will become so hooked and dependent on alcohol that there will be no turning back. Whenever I opened my first beer this morning, I was already experiencing what's commonly referred to as "the shakes". I'm already showing signs of alcohol dependency and it deeply disturbs me. I don't want this to become my life. It's going to rob my bank account, my liver, my very existence. I'm probably exaggerating because I grew up in a community that despises alcohol, but I fear for my future and I fear for my faith. I don't want to lose myself for this. It once served a purpose, because I was deeply depressed and used it as a crutch, but now that I have a pretty happy, peaceful life, the craving for said addiction hasn't dissipated. I have no need for alcohol, yet still I crave it, and it is so hard to shake. The only thing that has seemed to work so far is trading one addiction for another. If I switch to energy drinks, I find that I no longer crave alcohol. If I switch to alcohol, I no longer crave energy drinks. It's like an endless, nightmarish cycle, and I want it to end. So guys, please keep me in your prayers, and if you don't believe in that sort of things, please send me so called "positive vibes". I don't want to end up like the rest of my dad's side of the family, a low key alcoholic hiding cases of beer. I already have thrown a whole empty six pack into the woods. I've hid beers by pouring them into my coffee thermus, etc. My dad almost caught me today. It's rough business. And the scary thing is that I can hide it. Very well. When I get drunk, my speech doesn't slur like other people's. I can completely function almost. I feel drunk, I walk drunk, but I don't talk drunk., And I also remember everything. It's scary and I would appreciate the prayers. I don't want my nightmares to become true and I don't want this to be my future. 

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Posted (edited)

As someone who has used substances as a crutch for over a decade, I highly reccomend you stop. Get in the gym and find some constructive ways to cope. Learn music. Take up martial arts. Yoga. Dance. Writing. Anything but substances especially if you take anti anxiety meds. Listen to these words. Hopefully they have the same impact on you as they did me.

 

 

 

Edited by F134Ever86
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@deathbat96777, you need to call a help line buddy. I'm not fucking with you, go talk to a real live person if you can, but call and talk to someone. You're behaviour isn't rational and alcoholism isn't what your experiencing, it could end up being you are an alcoholic but this is depression. Call someone, please.

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I appreciate the encouragement, my man. I almost committed suicide six months ago and my life has drastically changed for the better since then. I've went from attempting to use my guitar chord as a rope to hang myself to becoming a pastor, returning as a camp counselor, and trying to start a band with family and friends. I've came a long way in a short time. With alcohol, I started drinking to cope with depression, but now, it's more or less an addiction for the sake of being addicted. The easiest way I can explain is it's like something serves a purpose at one point, but once it doesn't anymore, you're stuck with it and can't get rid of it. I don't feel like I need to drink anymore, but that craving is still there. I've had nightmares about it that were so vivid that I interpret them as visions. 

Edit: this is in response to the first reply, not Slasher_Clone. I plan to have a serious conversation with family about it. 

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You are still depressed, I'm not Kidding. You don't need a priest or a pastor right now, you need to have a long emotional talk about why. 

Glad your faith helped before, but this is different it has to do with your brain chemistry, you're replacing one act, self pity for another that gives you an excuse for the self pity.

You already accept it as reality, read your own words back to yourself and imagine a friend saying the same thing to you. Try and talk to someone with trauma training if possible, they don't run you in circles.

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Will do man, I'm glad I have friends in this community that care. It's kind of ironic, I find more hospitable, loving people in the horror community than I do anywhere. 

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2 minutes ago, deathbat96777 said:

Will do man, I'm glad I have friends in this community that care. It's kind of ironic, I find more hospitable, loving people in the horror community than I do anywhere. 

I do to man, it's a weird but wonderful community.

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Sad to hear @deathbat96777...

You're admitting you have a problem. That's a good start. You know what's going on and see the effects. Now you need to come clean to those closest to you (like @Slasher_Clone said). Just tell them what's going on man. I know you're a good person, I'm sure they would respect you for the conversation. It's hard to admit that you need help, but it's entirely necessary in order to move on. You'll be stronger for it.

I don't mean for this to sound like "it's not a real problem" or anything, but you'll be fine man. I have faith in you. You should have the same faith in yourself.

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@deathbat96777 you need to talk to a famliy member or somebody you know about this, this is coming from someone who was an alcoholic for many years. At that period of time, i thought my life was meaningless and i thought nobody loved me. I drank alcohol and took drugs all day every day, i would also cut myself to try and repress my suicidal thoughts(i still have some of the scars left on my body). My brother was the one that finally made me realize that my life did have meaning. And that i had people who loved me. He introduced me to gardening and music(I had always listened to it, but I'd never performed it), i learned how to play the piano, Guitar, Bass, Drums. I started taking a singing course and also i started seeing a Therapist, my life had completely turned around. I stopped drinking so much, i mainly quite taking drugs(From time to time i'll smoke a joint or two). Got back to the gym. This was also the time when i accepted that i was bisexual(i had denied that i had sexual feelings towards men for years, which only made me worse).

If it had not been for my little bro, i probably wouldn't be here on these forums right know...

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1 hour ago, deathbat96777 said:

I am supposed to be a pastor for the first time sunday and I am a so called "God fearing man".

THIS is your answer, my friend. Call one of your pastors. Tell them it's an emergency, then go talk to him/her (face-to-face, not on the phone) about this. 

They will not judge. They have resources to help. They care about you and will stick by your side to put this behind you.

Make this a priority. I also come from a long line of addicts of some sort. It's next to impossible to do it on your own, but SO much easier when a family of faith is there to help you through it.

Keep us posted. Good luck, brother.
Skunk  

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@deathbat96777

Right, let me just say that even though it's alright to seek support here, be very careful what information you choose to publicly share. There are people out there who have nothing better to do other than try to dox other people and invade their lives. Don't give them the chance. I'd go back over your post and remove some information if I were you, and I'd prefer you to do it rather than me having to.

As for your problem, I don't think you're an alcoholic yet. It sounds like it's all very new to you. Lemme ask you:

  • Has it actually impacted your life yet? I mean with your family and friends and such.
  • Because it's all new to you, do you think a lot of what's going on is in your head?

When it starts ruining your friendships and relationships with family and friends, that's when you can safely say 'I am an alcoholic'. I know you said you feel yourself heading towards alcoholism, but try to keep it in check. You aren't at that point yet so you can turn it around by yourself.

I've done all sorts of stuff in the past, most stuff except heroin and crack and meth (note: don't be like me and do the same thing. Better off without ALL of that shit). There's usually a point where you start to notice yourself wanting it more and more often. That's the point you have to kick it. Don't go past that moment because it's the first signs of dependency. 

If it's seriously weighing on you and you think you have a genuine problem, then you need to speak to someone in the real world about it. There's not a lot we could do for you on here except advise you to see someone and wish you the best with your problems. Here are some words I live by: be the winner. The winner is the one who has the strength to face everything in life head on and the one who has what it takes to make the tough calls. You can be that person and you can find the strength in yourself to defeat any problem life throws at you. Get angry at life and say 'fuck this, I live it my way, not anyone else's'. You can do it. Imagine your problems in your head, and then imagine you kicking the shit out of them (metaphorically, I'm not encouraging you hit anyone lol).

There was a point where I got really down and I saw myself in my mind's eye, defeated. Life's problems can be really heavy and feel crushing. I imagined another version of myself, the courageous and strong side coming over to me and picking me up and saying "we got this. We can fucking do it brother, so get up". It felt inspiring and even though it sounds completely daft, I thought "that's the guy I want to be". I got angry at all the shit that caused me to feel terrible and I thought "this doesn't control me. I control me" and I used it like fuel to power my aspirations and drag myself out of the rut. I went to the gym on a perfect schedule for a long time, put in more effort at work and I cut out the people who were the source of my problems. I never looked back and I never dwelled on it.

That's about as much as you're going to catch me sharing on forums.

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2 hours ago, Kodiak said:

When it starts ruining your friendships and relationships with family and friends, that's when you can safely say 'I am an alcoholic'.

@deathbat96777 You can safely say you are an alcoholic whenever you know you have a bad problem with alcohol.  No one on here can tell you whether you are one or are not one.  Its the internet and quite simply we do not know you and are not professionals.   However I disagree with someone pushing you in the other direction a bit to say you might not have a problem with alcohol, if you yourself think you do, you most likely do.  Just my opinion.  I agree with others that say you need to seek help with a professional one on one.  You may have other issues as others have suggested that need to be addressed as well and we just cannot do that on here.  Its easy to spill your guts on the net I get it, but @Kodiak is 100 percent right about people on the net having nothing better to do than try and dox you and all sorts of other ugly stuff.  (I'm in a case right now as I write this, that I will not get into specifics about, where I have had to report somebody and was just gotten back to by the organization and what I was told they found out would surprise even the most cautious of people on the net) so be careful of the details you share on the net.  I like what kodiak shared about his story but if you believe you are an alcoholic, will power isn't going to get you out of it alone, you need to speak to a professional.  I could sites examples of my own life and lives of family etc but I do not go that far anywhere on the internet, its just not a good thing to do, have to be careful out here.  Also if people try and bully you about it here or in the outside world.  My advise.  Report it.  Report it here if its on these forums and report it outside of the forums, its your right and divisions do not take cyber bullying lightly, nor does the law anymore on the outside of the net.  I wish you the best of luck and maybe this was just a first step for you.  If you take nothing else away from anything anyone has said on these forums about your issue.  At least take the information of calling a professional, you don't need an appointment to speak with someone they have people available 24 hours a day 7 days a week for things of this nature that you speak of.  Prevention hotlines etc.  Please google those and put those in a safe place, they will have much more knowledge than any of us and be able to speak much more freely with you about your issue and it will feel nice to speak with another live person.  Again best wishes for you to get through this and just because will power will not get you all the way through doesn't mean it doesn't go a long way and help tremendously.   Peace.

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4 hours ago, Kodiak said:

@deathbat96777

Right, let me just say that even though it's alright to seek support here, be very careful what information you choose to publicly share. There are people out there who have nothing better to do other than try to dox other people and invade their lives. Don't give them the chance. I'd go back over your post and remove some information if I were you, and I'd prefer you to do it rather than me having to.

As for your problem, I don't think you're an alcoholic yet. It sounds like it's all very new to you. Lemme ask you:

  • Has it actually impacted your life yet? I mean with your family and friends and such.
  • Because it's all new to you, do you think a lot of what's going on is in your head?

When it starts ruining your friendships and relationships with family and friends, that's when you can safely say 'I am an alcoholic'. I know you said you feel yourself heading towards alcoholism, but try to keep it in check. You aren't at that point yet so you can turn it around by yourself.

I've done all sorts of stuff in the past, most stuff except heroin and crack and meth (note: don't be like me and do the same thing. Better off without ALL of that shit). There's usually a point where you start to notice yourself wanting it more and more often. That's the point you have to kick it. Don't go past that moment because it's the first signs of dependency. 

If it's seriously weighing on you and you think you have a genuine problem, then you need to speak to someone in the real world about it. There's not a lot we could do for you on here except advise you to see someone and wish you the best with your problems. Here are some words I live by: be the winner. The winner is the one who has the strength to face everything in life head on and the one who has what it takes to make the tough calls. You can be that person and you can find the strength in yourself to defeat any problem life throws at you. Get angry at life and say 'fuck this, I live it my way, not anyone else's'. You can do it. Imagine your problems in your head, and then imagine you kicking the shit out of them (metaphorically, I'm not encouraging you hit anyone lol).

There was a point where I got really down and I saw myself in my mind's eye, defeated. Life's problems can be really heavy and feel crushing. I imagined another version of myself, the courageous and strong side coming over to me and picking me up and saying "we got this. We can fucking do it brother, so get up". It felt inspiring and even though it sounds completely daft, I thought "that's the guy I want to be". I got angry at all the shit that caused me to feel terrible and I thought "this doesn't control me. I control me" and I used it like fuel to power my aspirations and drag myself out of the rut. I went to the gym on a perfect schedule for a long time, put in more effort at work and I cut out the people who were the source of my problems. I never looked back and I never dwelled on it.

That's about as much as you're going to catch me sharing on forums.

I appreciate the input my man, I really do. I'm not entirely sure what you want me to remove from my post. It wouldn't bother me at all if you did it for me. Unless you want to tell me what it is so i can do it myself. I've always been very transparent and sometimes I unintentionally share too much without realizing it

 

Edit:

I just want to clear up that what I mentioned about almost committing suicide a long time ago was something that's already been addressed in the real world. I went to counseling for a long time and no longer struggle with those thoughts and completely stopped self harming. I'm sorry that I didn't include that detail. A lot of you already known that and I shouldn't have assumed you knew. I didn't realize including that detail would stir controversy.

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4 hours ago, Freddie Mercury said:

@deathbat96777 you need to talk to a famliy member or somebody you know about this, this is coming from someone who was an alcoholic for many years. At that period of time, i thought my life was meaningless and i thought nobody loved me. I drank alcohol and took drugs all day every day, i would also cut myself to try and repress my suicidal thoughts(i still have some of the scars left on my body). My brother was the one that finally made me realize that my life did have meaning. And that i had people who loved me. He introduced me to gardening and music(I had always listened to it, but I'd never performed it), i learned how to play the piano, Guitar, Bass, Drums. I started taking a singing course and also i started seeing a Therapist, my life had completely turned around. I stopped drinking so much, i mainly quite taking drugs(From time to time i'll smoke a joint or two). Got back to the gym. This was also the time when i accepted that i was bisexual(i had denied that i had sexual feelings towards men for years, which only made me worse).

If it had not been for my little bro, i probably wouldn't be here on these forums right know...

Man... Thats sad and depressing^^...

But, just like what everybody else has said @deathbat96777talk to someone about your problems.

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34 minutes ago, deathbat96777 said:

I didn't realize including that detail would stir controversy.

Don't be worried about stirring up controversy over a small detail.  You take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you and your health.  I personally would love to see you get everything under control and I do not even know you.  I pray for anyone that is struggling, whether it be something as serious as this, or someone who is just confused about things and know when they are wrong and just cannot admit it.  I just have to pray for those individuals.  Your situation seems much more serious and I will pray for you as a whole.

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Check Google to find an Alcoholics Annonymous Group near you. I saw a therapist for my depression, so that can help, I also see him for my anger management problems. I know what it's like to KNOW your family has alcoholics, my mother, her father, both her grandfathers and all throughout my mother's genetics share alcoholism/alcoholic gene. My bother my sisters are alcoholics. I love to drink, I don't deny that. The only reason I don't think I'm an alcoholic is that of a strong will to stop when my body tells me. Yeah, it's fun to drink, I won't deny that. But because of your medications, I STRONGLY suggest if you have health insurance, talk to a therapist. Otherwise look in google for local AA meetings. Usually, churches have them too.

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14 hours ago, deathbat96777 said:

I'm not entirely sure what you want me to remove from my post.

You had some names in there. No controversy, he was just looking out for you.

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14 hours ago, deathbat96777 said:

I went to counseling for a long time and no longer struggle with those thoughts and completely stopped self harming

This is you rationalizing, drinking is self harm if you engage in it like you are. You are on medication that specifically tells you not to drink. Drinking is self harm. 

Part of you is telling yourself that if you get really drunk and the medication reacts badly, and you die. Or more likely you choke to death on your own vomit, thinking it isn't suicide.

It is.

So please call someone, please. Your own posts should scare the shit out of you man, be scared and go share this with a professional. 

 

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I went down from 6 twelve ounce beers to 3 and a half today. That's a start. 

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Your health insurance may cover a detox stay which can last between 3-10 days but the recommendation is that you stay longer than that (typically 4 calendar weeks/28 days) which involves you in a 12 Step program. Typically you'll be also put on an anti-craving medication such as Naltrexone or Campral or Vivitrol. Naltrexone itself is quite effective.

See your general physician for a physical exam and have your bloodwork done. They'll also do a UA to check your enzyme functions. This will tell if you have any lasting damage. The anti-craving medication will really curb your desire if you continue to use it. And of course, attending meetings will help. If you are having more serious problems outside of relief-drinking/alcohol dependency, then yeah, you need to speak to a mental health professional about changing your medications.

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4 hours ago, deathbat96777 said:

I went down from 6 twelve ounce beers to 3 and a half today. That's a start. 

At this point, this is for a straight up real life,in person professional.  Self detox is very very dangerous.  Please seek professional help immediatly.

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Being honest here, I have struggled with different addictions in the past. Best way to do it is cold turkey and will power. You HAVE to want to do better. You have to go 21 days without it. It takes 21 days to develop new habits. 

One author once wrote "quitting smoking is easy, i have done it 1000 times." 

Best of luck to you. Seriously. Its a hard struggle. Talk to people. Maybe try an AA meeting or two. On the daily, think positively about well you are doing and be proud of the steps you are taking. Each day is an accomplishment.

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3 minutes ago, TheHansonGoons said:

Being honest here, I have struggled with different addictions in the past. Best way to do it is cold turkey and will power. You HAVE to want to do better. You have to go 21 days without it. It takes 21 days to develop new habits. 

If he has really bad alcohol dependency, then doing it cold turkey is really not recommended and can be utter Hell for a variety of reasons. Withdrawal can result in hot/cold sweats, severe panic attacks, loss of appetite, vomiting/diarrhea, severe tremors, mood swings, Delirium Tremens, seizures, and in some instances, death. People generally suggest to taper off, which is what OP is doing from what it sounds like, but most true alcoholics recognize that they can't have just one. It's like a light switch gets flipped on. "The alcoholic takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, and then the drink takes the alcoholic." Self-detox is difficult for the aforementioned reasons and further without proper medical supervision because the body needs time to adjust as blood pressure spikes can take effect, muscle cramps (charley horse), night terrors, etc. In-patient detox can be somewhat costly depending on insurance and circumstances but it can be life changing as well.

But I agree about changing habits. Old playmates, playgrounds, and playthings. Negative influences will only serve to cause further relapse. It's at least important to catch this early before there's any irreversible damage. Nobody has to go it alone or 'rough it' the hard way if they don't have to.

I'd still see a physician and have labwork done. It can at least bring some peace of mind. I don't think OP has progressed that far thankfully. But it does require some effort; you have to put the work in to get the results you want. A conscious choice to wake up every morning and saying to yourself "I will stay sober today" is at least a start.

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Considering I've only been heavily drinking for a week or so now, I highly doubt that quitting cold turkey would cause death or seizures. Before this week, I had drank two or three beers a month. Yesterday, like I said, I had three and a half twelve ounce cans. Day before that I had a six pack of Blue Moon, and the day before that I had one 24 ounce can of Coors Light. I haven't drank at all today. I typically go buy beer early in the morning. I honestly think as long as I can make it through this weekend, I will be fine. It has gave me a dull head ache, but I don't think I'm going to get sweats  and shakes. I appreciate the concern, but if I've only been drinking like this for a few days and I quit, I don't think it's going to kill me. I did talk to my sister about it because she struggles with this too from time to time, only with harder stuff like wine, vodka, etc and she has been able to cut back quite a lot.

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